Brooklyn’s 1st Annual Smallest Penis Pageant


By: Ned Hepburn

Hi there, gang. We sent out intrepid cub reporter Jordan Burden to cover the Brooklyn’s Smallest Penis event, a feel-good fun time event that took place yesterday at a bar here in the borough of Brooklyn. This is what she came back with….

Yesterday, Kings County Bar hosted its first ever “Brooklyn’s Smallest Penis Pageant” in honor of the under-appreciated tiny peen. It was made clear from the beginning by the event’s host, Chicken Bitches, that the reason we were all there was not to make fun of these brave men’s small dicks, but to celebrate them. For nearly three hours, starting at 3pm, the packed bar cheered on the six (Later five after the French guy dropped out) contestants through evening-wear, swimwear, and talent portions of the competition.

Before anyone even got to see any real live penises, the bar was already full of them. Between the cartoon penises happily smiling on the walls, the penis shaped straws and cups and the “penis coladas” it felt something like a strange bachelorette party. But no, this was not just an excuse to day drink and gawk at some small peckers – there was real intention and showmanship involved. Small penises, big personalities.


Each contestant wore a sash bearing his stage name – Rip Van Dinkle, Perry Winkle, Sugar Daddy, Flo-Rider, Zigounette (French slang for “willy” or “weenie”) and my personal favorite, The Delivery Man. The Delivery Man should be commended for commitment to his character – he donned a UPS hat and comfortably rested his dick in a brown box for part of the competition.

After ushering in the pageant with a song about the joys of the tiny dong, we got our first glimpse of the penises themselves as the competitors strutted along the bar – balls flowing in the breeze. They wore adorable little tuxedos that just barely covered their tiny penises. A band-aid would have sufficed. The crowd initially responded with a mixed bag of laugher, gasping and cheering but quickly warmed up to the small wonders. While some of the men wore masks to hide themselves, confidence really seemed to be the name of the game here – from the very beginning the competitors who showed their true identities were among the crowd favorites. No shame, gents, no shame.


What followed was the talent portion of the pageant; here the men had a chance to distinguish themselves. Sure you all have tiny dicks, but what else can you show us? The pageant assistants, called “Penis Kittens” (Who donned penis shaped antennae and kitten style face makeup), parted the crowd and lead our men to the front stage.

Many of them danced. Well, Flo Rider pretty much just stripped and shook his ass while ending his routine with a full on flash of his junk. He had the moves of a trained pro. Runner-up Rip Van Dinkle did a bit of rapping – he dared to ask: “How dare you youthful rubberneckers point and laugh at my poor pecker?” This was where The Delivery Man set himself apart, his talent was stand up comedy, and his dick jokes were just self deprecating enough.

The three judges – the bar’s manager Aimee Arciuolo, producer of Hotsy Totsy Bulesque Cherry Pitz, and performer Go-Go Harder – got to ask the contestants a few questions about life with a small penis. In response to the question “What advice would you give younger men with small dicks?” Flo Rider declared to the audience his bisexuality, later specified that he really did slightly prefer men to women, and shouted about having been “in the scene forever” and that there “ain’t nothing but love”. A bit of shit show, really, which would have been perfectly fine if we could understand what the hell he was saying.


When asked if he ever felt discriminated against Peri Winkle told the judges “Not when I’m walking down the street. But in the locker room, yeah, because that’s where it matters most”. This earned Peri Winkle the sympathy vote for sure. The Delivery Man gave reassurance to his younger small dicked brethren, and simply told them not to worry so much; ultimately their small dicks were not a big deal.

Our winner had to be The Delivery Man, because all is right with the world when ultimately the funny fat guy wins. He had confidence and a sense of humor that won the audience over, but in the end, after the tape measures came and left, he simply had the smallest penis in Brooklyn.

Real name Nick Gilornan and real life UPS employee, The Delivery Man apparently does acting and modeling on the side, so “going on stage scantily clad is not a big deal for me”. Who woulda thunk?


After the show Gilormam said he’d “never done a pageant before, so I feel pretty awesome about it. It was a lot of fun”. When asked why he entered the competition in the first place, he responded, “The opportunity for something like this will never happen again, so I thought why not”. Life rewards the bold Nick. In this case it rewards them with $200.00, a crown and scepter, and a little extra attention from the ladies.