What if RoboCop, the Hobbit and James Bond were all in one movie?
MGM’s financial troubles are keeping at least three long-awaited follow-ups in development hell: Darren Aranofsky’s RoboCop, Peter Jackson’s The Hobbit, and Sam Mendes’ James Bond movie. There’s only one solution: combine them into one blockbuster movie. Here’s how!
Act One: Mackdown in Hobbiton
So it’s set in the present day — or maybe 30 seconds into the future! — and there are a whole bunch of ex-KGB agents who have all become Russian gangsters, because that is what ex-KGB agents do. They are brutes who only understand one language: violence. Oh, and money. So, two languages — but they speak money with a slight accent because of having been commies.
Anyway, these Russian gangsters are part of the secret criminal organization SAURON, but they’re also secretly in league with Dick Jones, an executive with the evil corporation, OCP. The Russian gangsters are trying to get hold of a secret biotech weapon system known as S.M.A.U.G. The gangsters get into a fight with some of Detroit’s finest in the Detroit slum known as Hobbiton, and the gangsters capture one cop, Alex Murphy, whom they mutilate and then shoot in the head.
Meanwhile, James Bond is brooding over all the senseless death in his world, because this is the new gritty James Bond. And then he looks in his day planner and sees he’s scheduled for “FIFTEEN MINUTES OF PARKOUR” — right about now. By coincidence, he spots a dwarf with a knife (that’s also a bomb), and chases him across the rooftops. For fifteen minutes. Until the dwarf gets away.
The dwarf turns out to be Thorin, leader of the dwarf brigade, and they’re plotting to break into OCP headquarters and get hold of some priceless government blueprints — but first, they have to get past S.M.A.U.G. To do that, they’ll need the help of Gan Dalf, an aging hippie who’s the greatest techno-cyber-hacker of his generation.
Meanwhile, Alex Murphy awakens from being dead — to find himself in a small body with furry toes. But the fur is not ordinary fur, it’s nano-fur that makes him the ultimate fighting machine. Plus he has rocket launchers and stuff. He has become… the Robo-Hobbit! Horrified at what he has become, Robo-Hobbit runs away from the OCP headquarters, only to run smack into Gan Dalf — who asks Robo-Hobbit to cross over the threshold into adventure. Robo-Hobbit says no, he won’t hear the call to adventure, partly because he’s still getting used to his new robotic ears. Gan Dalf asks again, and Robo-Hobbit says no again. Finally, Gan Dalf says, “Come on, man. Just pass over the threshold into adventure already.” And Robo-Hobbit says, “Okay, fine, whatever.” And so… the adventure begins!
Act Two: The Part with all the Adventure.
At this point in the movie, two things happen simultaneously. First of all, James Bond looks at his day planner and sees that he’s scheduled for: “GO ROGUE FOR APPROXIMATELY TWO DAYS.” And sure enough, his bosses tell him not to go after the Russian gangsters — so he GOES ROGUE! At almost the same time, Robo-Hobbit, Gan Dalf start their perilous journey into the depths of OCP, where they will face unimaginable hazards and weird mood lighting.
Now that he’s GONE ROGUE, James Bond is forced to visit a series of picturesque beaches in order to stay one step ahead of his former colleagues. He gets held up at gunpoint and dragged onto a sinister helicopter, which he later jumps out of. But in between those two things, he discovers that there’s a new military cloaking device known as the One Ring, which renders the wearer invisible and virtually undetectable to most forms of infrared and radar detection. Also, James Bond fights a cyborg ninja while he’s still falling out of the helicopter.
Robo-Hobbit gets separated from the rest of his party and wanders in the dark underbelly of Delta City, where he fights lots of drug dealers. The Delta City cops are threatening to go on strike, partly because they’re being replaced by Robo-Hobbit, and OCP is planning to take over the city with their own private security force, known as WARGs. When that happens, Delta City will be ransacked and destroyed by these corrupt private cops, plus the robot enforcers known as Geo-Operational Biomimetic Leveraged Indestructible Ninjas, or GOBLINS.
James Bond looks at his day planner and sees: “HOOK UP WITH FROSTY BRITISH LADY WHO THEN DIES.” He shrugs and puts on his death-proof underwear just in case.
Robo-Hobbit finds his way into the lair of OCP’s shadowy computer expert, Bob Smeagol, aka Gollum, who reveals that he helped transform the late Alex Murphy into Robo-Hobbit in order to create the first prototype for a whole new world of cyborg super-soldiers, who need to be small enough to venture into confined spaces but powerful enough to destroy all opponents.
Smeagol is concerned that Robo-Hobbit is showing signs of too much independent thought, especially after his dealings with Gan Dalf. So he tries to shut down Robo-Hobbit once and for all by asking him a set of riddles that are supposed to reset his programming — but Robo-Hobbit runs away, taking with him the secret prototype of the One Ring.
James Bond spots that dwarf with the exploding knife again, and chases him on motorboats and seaplanes and skis — and finally dune buggies. The dwarf finally jumps into a Corvette, but fails to hot-wire it in time, so James Bond is able to ask him some questions, and he learns all about the plan to get inside OCP and get at the treasure guarded by S.M.A.U.G. James Bond decides to get there first.
But Robo-Hobbit has already reached S.M.A.U.G., and the bio-weapons system creates a biotech dragon out of stem cells to fight Robo-Hobbit off. No amount of fire-breathing, scaly stem cells are a match for Robo-Hobbit’s weapons systems, which are both cyber and techno. Unfortunately, corrupt OCP exec Dick Jones shows up and shuts Robo-Hobbit down, using a failsafe that prevents him from doing anything to fight OCP. All seems lost!
Act Three: The Part Where Stuff Blows Up.
James Bond arrives, and finds out about S.M.A.U.G.’s secret weakness from a friendly robot bird that heard about it from Robo-Hobbit. The secret agent, brandishing three machine guns in each hand, mows down a bunch of WARG agents and gets inside S.M.A.U.G., disabling him using the TKTK. S.M.A.U.G. blows up with huge fireballs that do not, in any way, look computer-generated.
Robo-Hobbit regains motor control. The dwarves get hold of the secret blueprints from the cave inside OCP, and James Bond runs after them, trying to stop them. But just as James Bond, Gan Dalf, Robo-Hobbit and the dwarves are all going to throw down, the O.R.C.s arrive and so do the main invading force of WARGs and GOBLINs. James Bond jumps off a building as it explodes. Robo-Hobbit uses his new power of invisibility to sneak behind the lines of the O.R.C. assault and helps rout them.
Then Dick Smith makes a power play — he presents faked proof to the O.C.P. board that his rival executives were responsible for all of the recent dwarf-related troubles the company has faced recently. It almost works, but James Bond and Robo-Hobbit both independently turn up with evidence that Dick Smith was secretly in league with the Russian gangsters, who in turn are in league with the evil spy organization SAURON.
The case is wrapped up, and Hobbiton is saved. But SAURON is still out there, and they’re building a massive super-ultra-computer, with cyber. Just as James Bond and Robo-Hobbit are preparing to go their separate ways, Gandalf hands them a single card, with an ominous image of a single red eye on it.