Caucasians & Dreads: A Field Guide

By: Jef Otte

For some years now, a top-secret crack team of Westword scientists has been working to answer one of life’s most persistent questions: What is the deal with white people with dreadlocks? What is the deal with that? As part of our ongoing research, we took to the field last weekend at String Cheese Incident’s three-night stand at Red Rocks in an effort to categorize this weird and wonderful species into several sub-phyla. This weekend, use our comprehensive “Dreaded White Folk” field guide to identify these rare creatures.

With his sprightly patchwork pants and cap, this specimen could easily be mistaken for a member of the 1925 cast of Oliver Twist  — but don’t be fooled. The sausage-like dreads clearly mark him as a “hippie,” a common example of the White People with Dreads (WPD) species.

A much rarer find is a WPD who is also attractive. Since, for white, people, the formation of true dreadlocks generally requires a sustained lack of personal grooming, WPDs are at an attractiveness disadvantage from the get-go.

An impostor. Like the carausius morosus, which changes its pigmentation to disguise itself from predators, this false WPD has arranged her hair in a dread-like fashion–possibly in order to attract a mate.